You’ve probably had this experience–perhaps recently. Or maybe you’re about to have it in the coming weeks. It might be at a holiday party or a family event or while traveling on a plane. You find yourself next to a stranger, and one of you strikes up a conversation–but before long, the awkward truth becomes all too clear:

You have NOTHING in common!

HELP! What do you talk about? What do you DO?

Do you spend the rest of the five-hour flight quietly perusing the in-flight magazine? Do you excuse yourself and lock yourself in the restroom (whether you need to use it or not)? Or do you just just accept that you have nothing to talk about and, as politely as possible, move on to other potential conversationalists?

My advice is… none of the above.

I recommend that you try a novel approach: Rather than frantically search for some common ground, talk about the things you DON’T have in common.

Take a step out of your conversational comfort zone!

• Learn about the other person’s interests–even if they’re not your own (or especially if they’re not your own–you already know about your own interests!).
• Talk about a topic you don’t know much about–without pretending that you do! (This is where the art of asking questions becomes invaluable!)
• Try to see how someone else might be fascinated by a topic you generally find boring.

This doesn’t mean that you’ll necessarily share their enthusiasm or start seeing the world through someone else’s eyes. It just means that you’re willing to consider another person’s perspective.

This is how your world enlarges. This is how you become less parochial. This is how you realize that “it takes all kinds of people to make the world go around”–and that this diversity is part of what makes the world such a great place. You DON’T have to have common interests to find one another of interest.

In fact, wouldn’t it be boring if we ALL had the same interests, ideas, perspectives, and experiences? It would be like the Bob Dylan line: “It ain’t no use talkin’ to me, it’s just the same as talkin’ to you.”

Of course, I’m not suggesting that you suffer through someone being rude, obnoxious, or just plain asinine. However–assuming that a person is polite and genuine, and merely has very different perspectives and/or life experiences–you might miss out if you curtail a potential discussion simply because you don’t see eye-to-eye on every point.

If you’d like to give this approach a try, here are some mental games that might make it easier:

• Imagine that you’re interviewing them for a newspaper. Your job isn’t to judge–it’s just to get their story and their perspective.
• Pretend that they’re a fictional character–or a potential fictional character who you’re considering using in a novel you’re writing. What matters isn’t so much whether you share their perspective, but whether they’d make a good character.
• Imagine that you’re an anthropologist, doing your best to understand an unfamiliar subculture (such as accountants or model-plane aficionados).

Remember, you don’t necessarily have to become friends with everyone you meet. Nor do you have to develop an interest in their hobbies. (Half an hour of discussing stamp collecting might be enough to last you a lifetime!) It’s just a way to expose yourself to something different.

You can think of these conversations as mini vacations: You “travel” to a foreign land, where you encounter unfamiliar customs and/or styles (and/or interests, ideas, etc.). You do your best to understand and hopefully enjoy those who you meet.

But you (probably) don’t end up moving to this country. You’re just visiting.

At the end of the vacation, you come home. You return to what’s familiar, what you know and enjoy. But hopefully, you also see things a little differently. You appreciate what you have and what you do, while remembering that there’s a whole world out there–a world of different ideas, interests, perspectives, and experiences. A world that, in many ways, is very different from your own life.

But rather than seeing differences as “wrong” or threatening or even just boring, you can choose to see them as reminders of just how diverse the human population is–and what a wonderful blessing this is for all of us!

During the Christmas season, people tend to talk (and sing) more about the voices of angels. Whether it’s singing a carol (such as “Angels We Have Heard on High” or “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing”) or complimenting an “angelic” choir, we imagine angels’ voices to be transcendently beautiful.

But what do you think our voices would sound like to angels?

Would they enjoy our voices? Would they appreciate our words? Would they understand us–no matter what language we speak?

Some people might imagine that angels can understand all languages, but let’s imagine for a moment that the opposite is true: they don’t understand any earthly language.

Let’s imagine that angels watch and listen to us from their clouds (or wherever they hang out), but they don’t understand our words. What they DO understand is our tone, our attitude, and the intention behind our words–in short, our energy.

It’s just like us watching/listening to a conversation in a foreign language. Even if we don’t understand a single word, we can usually gauge the essence of what’s being communicated: joy, anger, boredom, or love.

Whether or not you understand the language, can’t you can tell when people are being sincere or sarcastic, when they’re genuinely interested in two-way communication or when they just want to put someone in their place (or ram their opinions down their throat), or when they don’t want to be there at all–and are just waiting for the first opportunity to get away?

This doesn’t take any special training. After all, approximately 93% of communication is nonverbal (55% body language and 38% vocal tone, volume, etc.), and most of us pick up on the nonverbal cues without even trying–or even being consciously aware of them. But I think that there’s more to this than simply noticing someone’s crossed arms, rolled eyes, or a quick glance at their watch. I think that we all naturally sense one another’s energy.

Which brings us back to the angels…

Imagine that  as angels watch and listen to you, they can’t understand your words. Perhaps they don’t even hear you in the standard, human sense. They just sense the energy that you’re transmitting.

Energy is the language of angels!

Even if you’re saying trite words or nothing at all, they “hear” (or feel) when you’re sharing love. On the other hand, if you speak eloquently but with no energy–no real feeling behind your words–they wouldn’t hear a thing.

Let’s take our thought experiment a step further: Imagine that the angels also can’t see in the normal, human sense. They can’t detect physical movement–only the movement of energy.

Now, as I’m sure you realize, I’m not referring to energy in the mundane sense, such as burning calories. It’s certainly possible to use up a lot of this kind of energy without transmitting anything significant, without “speaking the language of the angels.”

For instance, someone running around frantically, rushing around in meaningless activity (or, at least, meaningless to them–the proverbial “sound and fury, signifying nothing”) looks to the angels as if they weren’t moving at all. On the other hand, a tiny movement that conveys a lot of energy would look like a huge movement to the angels, even if it seemed like nothing was happening from a typical human perspective.

So, what would these angels see and hear if they observed you?

• Would they feel the love behind your words?
• Would they sense the flow of positive energy in your actions?
• Or would it look like nothing much was happening, no matter how much you said and did?

Whether we think of this literally or metaphorically, it’s helpful to remind ourselves–especially during the holiday season–that we don’t have to move mountains (or throw elaborate parties or buy everyone extravagant gifts) to make the angels smile. Just remember how powerful even a few simple, sincere words can be. Or a small, loving gesture. Or a smile.

If the energy behind your words and actions is positive, that’s what ultimately matters. That’s what’s real.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!! 🙂

As a life-long baseball fan (who’s currently going through a bit of postseason withdrawal), I’ve noticed a trend growing over the years: players pointing to the sky (ostensibly to God) after they get a big hit.

While some people consider this to be nothing more than ostentatious showboating, others see it as a sign of humility–a player giving thanks to God, showing their gratitude for the blessings bestowed upon them.

And I’m all in favor of that. I feel that expressing gratitude is one of the most important and reverential acts we can partake in. But, in most sports-related instances, I’m not impressed.

Because here’s the thing: Players only point to the sky after a big hit. You never see players point to the sky after they strike out. (Or drop a ball. Or throw a wild pitch.)

Now that would impress me. That would convince me of a player’s true faith. That would strike me as an act of true gratitude!

Because anyone can be happy when they hit a homerun, when their team is winning, when things are going their way. But it takes deep faith and a generous spirit to express thanks in hard times–in times of failure (or apparent failure). It takes true humility to accept that even a loss may be for the higher good.

And it takes a wider perspective: Maybe you’re being offered a lesson in the form of a disappointment. Maybe the other team needed the victory more than you did. Or maybe God has more important things to worry about than your batting average.

Or maybe an apparent failure is really a blessing in disguise–a blessing beyond our current comprehension. Perhaps someday we’ll be able to look back and have it all make sense. Or perhaps it never will.

But to be able to offer thanks for everything–even disappointments, frustrations, and setbacks–regardless of whether or not we can see the “silver lining”–now THAT is true gratitude.

So, this Thanksgiving (and beyond), I invite us all to offer thanks for every part of our lives: the homeruns as well as the strikeouts. It’s all a part of life, which, after all, is the greatest blessing of all.

Happy Thanksgiving! 🙂

PS: Another quirk of this sky-pointing phenomenon is that it never seems to happen on defense. I’ve never seen a shortstop point skyward after a diving stop or a catcher pointing to God after blocking a ball in the dirt with a man on third.
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PPS: Registration just opened for my wife Jodi’s ecourse–click banner below for details:

I was recently on the phone with a personal-growth author while she was driving to her son’s soccer game. We were discussing her latest book when she suddenly said, “Oops! I took a wrong turn! Can I call you back?” A few minutes later she called to say she was back on track, and we resumed our conversation (until she reached the soccer field).

Maybe it’s because we’d been discussing personal-growth topics, but we both thought that this wrong turn was a great metaphor:

We ALL take wrong turns sometimes!

The question is: What do you do when this happens?

• Do you bang on the steering wheel and curse yourself for being so careless?
• Do you blame the “stupid” road signs and/or faulty directions?
• Do you refuse to admit that you took a wrong turn, and obstinately continue the way you’re going?
• Do you step on the gas and go speeding as fast as you can in this wrong direction?

Hopefully, you don’t (although I admit I’ve fallen into point #2 on occasion).

None of these approaches helps you. They just make you feel bad, they waste your time and energy (and gas), and they certainly don’t get you back on track.

The most helpful course of action is very simple and straightforward:

• First, recognize that you’ve taken a wrong turn–that you’re heading in the wrong direction.
• If you know where you are, turn the car around until you’re back on track.
• If you’re lost, stop and ask for directions.

(And, of course, you have to know where you want to go–otherwise, you could end up in some rather comical/surreal conversations: “Hi, can I get directions?” “OK, directions to where?” “I don’t know.”)

It seems so simple when we look at it in terms of driving, but what happens when you take “wrong turns” in your own life–actions and/or decisions that don’t lead to your desired destination?

• Do you expend a lot of energy needlessly berating yourself (and/or others)?
• Do you deny that there’s a problem–that you’re not heading where you intended to go? (“Yes, of course I meant to drive past the exit and go over the bridge!”)
• Or are you humble and wise enough to recognize the wrong turn, get help if you need it, take action to get back on track, and learn from the experience?

Most of the time, wrong turns are no big deal–especially if you catch them fairly soon. My author-friend, for instance, found her way back to the soccer field and arrived in time to see her son’s game. And now she’ll know the way for next time–and be able to help anyone else who might need directions (including what to watch out for: e.g., “If you see a post office, you’ve gone too far!”).

Also, remember that sometimes “wrong turns” can lead you somewhere even more wonderful than your original intended destination. Sometimes, “mistakes” can turn out to be some of the most fortuitous events of your life. So don’t be too quick to label something a “wrong turn”–even if it feels that way at first.

But even if it is a wrong turn, that’s OK, too. Unlike most highways and busy intersections, in life, U-turns are always permitted!

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When was the last time you made a wrong turn? How did you get back on track? Have you ever made a “wrong turn” that led somewhere even better than where you’d planned to go? I’d love to hear your comments and experiences!

Remember the video game Frogger?

It was big in the arcades in the early ’80s–around the same time as Pac-Man, Galaga, and Donkey Kong. For those of you who didn’t come of age during the Golden Age of Arcade Video Games (as I did–I was born in 1971)–or to refresh your memory if it’s been awhile since you last operated a joystick, here’s how the game worked:

A frog tries to get home–first by hopping across a busy street, then by crossing a river (by jumping on passing logs or on the backs of passing turtles or crocodiles–as long as it avoids their jaws). The frog “loses a life” (how’s that for a euphemism?) if it gets hit by a vehicle or falls into the river (at which point the game abandons any semblance of verisimilitude, seeing as all the frogs I’ve ever met have been fairly proficient swimmers).

The frog can also die by staying on the same log for too long–while it floats to the edge of the screen. And that’s what I want to focus on in this post. As you’ve probably guessed, however, this post isn’t really about a video game. It’s about our tendency to get stuck by over-identifying with our habitual thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

When we engage in habitual patterns of thought, emotion, or behavior, it’s like sitting on a log floating downstream. The “log” will carry us along with it–usually to a predictable destination.

This can be good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. For instance, if we tend to engage in activities we’re passionate about or think about things we’re grateful for, these habits are likely to carry us to a place we like–a place that makes us feel vibrant, joyful, and alive.

On the other hand, we can also “ride a log” of negative emotions–such as wallowing in self-pity or stewing in anger–which will probably take us somewhere we don’t particularly enjoy.

We’ve all found ourselves in both situations. But the key thing to remember is:

The frog is not the log!

That is to say, we’re not stuck on that “log” of thought or emotion. We don’t have to keep “riding” the same feelings when they don’t feel right–when they don’t serve us by taking us where we want to go.

We can hop right off any time we choose to! We can get on a different log, heading in a different direction, taking us to a different destination!

When we take a step back it seems so obvious, but it’s sometimes hard to separate ourselves from our experiences while we’re in the middle of them–especially if we’re riding a wave (or a “log”) of intense emotions. So, when you find yourself being carried away in a direction you don’t like, remind yourself:

• You’re the frog! You have free will. You control the joystick! Unlike the logs, you’re not just being carried passively downstream, at the mercy of the current.
• Your emotions, thoughts, and actions aren’t YOU–they’re just your experiences, which won’t last forever.
• You CHOOSE your experiences! You can choose to “ride the log” for as long as you’d like, or you can hop off–moving forward, taking a step back, or changing directions altogether.

Sometimes when you’ve been riding a log for so long, you think it’s YOU. You truly start to believe that your job isn’t just something you do–it’s who you are. Or, rather than experiencing some pessimistic thoughts, you start to consider yourself a pessimist. Or you might even believe that you’re not just experiencing anger, but that you’re an angry person.

Maybe you’ve grown comfortable with your log–your identity. Maybe you’ve been riding it for so long that you’ve forgotten that you have options, that you can change your patterns, think different thoughts, feel different emotions.

But you can.

You just have to remember that you can change, and choose to change.

And then, most importantly of all: HOP!

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What “logs” have you been riding? Are there any that you’d like to hop off of? Would you be willing to try–to take a “hop of faith”?

A main goal of most (if not all) great spiritual teachers and traditions is the alleviation of suffering. I’d love to be part of this compassionate process in any way possible–and I feel that one of the most important steps in this process is to stop believing that suffering is a virtue.

Let me start by saying what I DON’T mean by this:

• I DON’T mean that virtuous people don’t suffer. We ALL suffer sometimes. And many virtuous people have suffered tremendously. (We all know many names on this long list–and I am by no means belittling any of these people, their suffering, or their achievements.)
• I DON’T mean that people don’t often suffer in the course of performing virtuous acts. Oftentimes, people will sacrifice and, yes, suffer, for the benefit of others.
• And I DON’T mean that you can’t learn, grow, and ultimately benefit from suffering. Lessons come in many forms, and sometimes suffering is a part of those lessons (although by no means a necessary part, I would contend).

What I DO mean is that the suffering itself is not what makes deeds, lessons, or experiences beneficial. Regardless of whether or not suffering is involved in virtuous acts and people, there is nothing inherently beneficial in suffering per se.

My suffering does not help you! In fact, rather than elevating you, it’s much more likely to bring you down.

• If I get the flu, it doesn’t make you healthier. In fact, if we’re hanging out together, it might make you sick, too.
• If I suffer from depression, it doesn’t make you happier. If you’re a compassionate person, it’s likely to make you feel bad–to feel sorry for me.
• If I punch myself in the face, it doesn’t make your face feel better. OK, so this is probably a ridiculous example–but hopefully you get my point.

Why do I feel so passionate about conveying this message?

First of all, because I don’t want to see you–or anyone–suffer, especially needlessly! I have tremendous sympathy and compassion for anyone who is suffering–so I certainly don’t want to feed a mindset that encourages and even rewards suffering.

Secondly, because my least favorite game in the world is “One-Downmanship” (the opposite of “one-upmanship”). Have you ever played (or even witnessed) this game? It usually takes the form of conversations where one person expounds on their woes, only to have the other person say something along the lines of, “You think you’ve got it bad? Ha! Let me tell you about how much my life sucks…” (No one ever wins a game of One-Downmanship; everyone loses.)

Thirdly, because I find it so disturbing when I see people use suffering almost as if it were a currency, like it entitles them to benefits–even if it’s just a reaction of, “Oh, you poor thing!” The most disturbing part about this is that I often find myself falling into this trap!

Yes, I admit it. As much as I consciously reject the notion that suffering is virtuous and/or entitles me to benefits, I still catch myself thinking things like, “I’ve suffered enough; I’ve earned…“ (fill in the blank), or “I deserve…”–as if my suffering entitled me to something! As if I needed to suffer first in order to feel happy or be healthy or experience abundance! As if I needed to suffer in order to not suffer!

Looking at it rationally, this seems ludicrous. I have to laugh at myself for falling prey to this attitude! But the attitude isn’t affecting me because of a conscious, rational decision. Like so many others, I’ve been infected by the “suffering-is-virtuous” (or “no pain, no gain”) mindset. It’s so prevalent in our society that it’s easy to “catch” it like a virus–to fall into this trap, to internalize this mindset, to assimilate it by osmosis, perhaps without even being aware of it at all.

But by shining light on this belief system, we can expose it for the infection that it is–for the lie that it is! And we can use this light to help us find the truth.

• The truth is that your suffering doesn’t help anyone. In fact, it probably hurts others (and it certainly hurts you).
• The truth is that your suffering doesn’t make the world a better place. It makes it a worse place. (It certainly makes your life–or your world–a worse place!)
• The truth is that your kindness, your goodness, and your joy DO make the world a better place!

And that’s what makes something virtuous–the fact that it makes the world a better place and helps us all suffer less!

So, by this measure, kindness is a virtue. Joy is a virtue. Enthusiasm for life is a virtue. Health is a virtue. Helping is a virtue. Wisdom is a virtue. Peace is a virtue. Freedom is a virtue. Compassion is a virtue. Happiness is a virtue. Love is a virtue.

These are the virtues that I want to feed, nurture, share, and spread.

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