It’s a peculiarly modern Catch-22: To Judge or Not to Judge?

Consider the two sides:

Person A: Can you believe what those bullies (and/or racists, bigots, gang members, etc.) did? How awful!

Person B: Hey, man–don’t judge! Who are YOU to say what’s “awful”? Everyone’s on their own path.

What would YOU say?

Would you judge like Person A, or would you agree with Person B that bullying isn’t bad (or good)–it simply is? No judgment, right? After all, judgment is bad!

Oh, wait–that’s a judgment! I shouldn’t judge! Oh, no! That was another judgment! I shouldn’t should. Now I’m doubly bad! Oh, no–there’s another judgment! (…etc.)

Sound familiar?

Have you ever heard or had a conversation like this (even if it was just within your own mind)? If so, you’ve probably realized that you can go round and round in circles–and drive yourself nuts–trying to rid yourself of a very natural and, I believe, oftentimes healthy response: judgment.

After all, what is judgment?

• Judgment = Thought + Opinion
• Judgment = Observation + Discernment
• Judgment = Preference

Judgment is having a sense (emotionally, logically, and/or intuitively) of what is most healthy, beneficial, or positive.

Judgment has many benefits:

• It can steer you toward your dreams. (“This is a better path for me.”)
• It can keep you safe. (“This place looks sketchy–let’s get out of here.”)
• It can help you surround yourself with people who support and nurture you. (“I get a better vibe from the second group of people–let’s hang out with them.”)

On the other hand, a lack of judgment can do just the opposite. Consider people about whom you might say, “He’s a poor judge of character” or “She doesn’t use good judgment”–they’re likely to hang around people who drag them down or even jeopardize their lives.

Yet in the personal-growth world, “judgment” is widely considered a “bad” word (logical inconsistency or not).

To be fair, this is probably a reaction to excessive moral condemnation, closed-mindedness, and a patronizing holier-than-thou attitude. (Remember Dana Carvey as SNL’s “Church Lady” who always deemed herself morally “superior”–and even had a special “Superior Dance” to celebrate it? It’s amusing on TV, but not so much in real life.)

However, the pendulum can swing so far back in the other direction that you beat yourself (and/or others) up just for having an opinion. If you feel yourself being too hard on yourself–judging yourself for judging–remember the upsides of judgment.

Judgment can make the world a better place!

Judgment is a perfectly sane reaction to insanity, and a compassionate reaction to cruelty. In fact, judging things as “bad” has led to some of the world’s most important breakthroughs, such as the abolition of slavery and the introduction of anti-abuse laws.

Judgment provides “clarity through contrast”!

One of my favorite concepts is “clarity through contrast”–which means that seeing (and even judging) things that you don’t like can help you clarify what you do like. (For instance, rude and/or bigoted people can remind you to surround yourself with considerate, tolerant people.)

The clearer you get about what you DO want, the more you can focus on those things and bring them into your life–and this process frequently starts with a sound judgment.

Judgment can show that you care!

When someone experiences a tragedy, such as the untimely loss of a loved one, it’s natural to feel (and say) that this is “awful” or “tragic.” Yes, this is a judgment, but wouldn’t it be pretty cold-hearted to say (or feel), “This is neither good nor bad–it simply is. No judgment.”?

So, should we all be more judgmental?

No, I’m not encouraging you to judge more–and certainly not to go around condemning everything and everyone you dislike. Remember, we each have a limited perspective and never know the whole story behind every situation. Besides, it’s no fun to spend your life fixating on everything that’s wrong with the world.

What I am suggesting is that we all go a bit easier on ourselves (and others) when we do make a judgment. It’s perfectly natural, healthy, and often helpful.

So, the next time you notice yourself making judgments, rather than trying to figure out whether your judgments are good or bad, you can simply notice them and say, “Thank you for this perspective–I value your opinion”–without making any judgment.

(But, if you do, that’s OK, too.)

…

Do you ever find yourself judging your own judgment? Could you be easier on yourself (and/or others) for this? I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments…and maybe even judgments! 🙂

I left at noon for a six o’clock flight, and the airport was only two hours away. I had plenty of time.

But I also had a car-load of six-year-olds. And making this flight, which was so important to me, did not rank particularly high on any of their priority lists.

We hadn’t even been on the road for five minutes when they made it clear that their agendas were very different from my own: “Let’s stop for ice cream!” one of them shouted from the back seat.

OK, I thought. What’s the harm? After all, we’ve got plenty of time.

So I pulled over at the next rest stop and got them all ice cream.

Ten minutes later, after they’d finished eating, I rounded everyone up, loaded them back into the car, and got back on the road–still on pace to reach the airport with time to spare.

No sooner were we back on the highway, however, than one of the kids urgently called out, “I have to pee!”

“Why didn’t you go when we were at the rest stop?” I asked.

“I didn’t have to go then,” he said.

Well, it’s not the kid’s fault, I figured. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go. So, once again, I pulled off at the nearest rest stop.

This time it took a little longer to get everyone rounded up again. Some of the kids had wandered into the gift shop, a couple of others were investigating the truckers’ lounge, and another one was getting change for a dollar in order to use a coin-operated scale (which had suddenly become of utmost importance to him).

But after about 20 minutes we were all back in the car again, buckled in, and heading back out onto the road–still on schedule, but without as much extra time as we’d had before.

No sooner were we back on the highway, however, when (you guessed it) the kids’ demands started up again: “I’m hungry!” one of them said. “Yeah, me too!” another one chimed in. “Let’s stop for French fries!”

I glanced nervously at my watch. “I don’t know,” I said. “We’ve still got a long way to go, and we’ve barely–”

“We want French fries!” a third kid yelled, cutting me off mid-sentence. The others took up the rallying cry:  “We want French fries! We want French fries!”

“I know you do,” I said, “but we just don’t–”

“FRENCH FRIES! FRENCH FRIES! FRENCH FRIES!”

“OK! Fine!” I yelled. “We’ll get French fries, but this has to be the last stop, OK?”

Maybe this will finally appease them, I thought. And although my head knew better, my hands turned the wheel and pulled off at yet another rest stop.

Sure enough, rather than putting a stop to the kids’ demands, the French fries merely emboldened them. No sooner were we back in the car when one of them insisted that we stop at an arcade. Someone else wanted to pull over at a scenic viewpoint to take pictures. And another of them complained of stiff legs and just wanted to get out and stretch.

I didn’t want to disappoint the kids or appear unsympathetic, but it was getting late. Yes, there was still time to make the flight, but we couldn’t afford any further delays. “I’m sorry, guys,” I said. “We’ve really gotta plow through or we’ll miss the plane.”

At this point, outrage turned to mutiny.

The kid in the passenger’s seat grabbed the steering wheel and yanked it hard to the right.

“Hey, get off of that!” I shouted, slamming on the brakes. I narrowly avoided hitting several other cars as I skidded to a stop in the shoulder. “Are you crazy?!” I yelled. “You could’ve gotten us–”

But before I could finish my words, one of the kids in the back seat reached up and gagged me with a bandana. Meanwhile, four others managed to bind my hands and feet with their shoelaces and pushed me into the back seat. After they’d securely tied me to the headrest, they all piled into the front and somehow managed to drive–one of them steering, another one working the pedals.

They hooted and hollered as they pulled back into traffic, made their way sporadically down the highway, and pulled off for extended breaks and impromptu excursions at every imaginable detour.

Bound, gagged, and utterly helpless in the back seat, I reflected on this bizarre turn of events and realized one thing with utter certainty:

I was never going to make that flight.

Crazy story, right? Well here’s the craziest part of all: It’s all true!

This has happened to me–not just once, but MANY times!

Maybe not in a literal sense, but in every important way:

• I’ve set out with a very clear destination in mind–something that was extremely important to me.
• I’ve allowed myself plenty of time to comfortably reach my goal.
• I’ve given in to little voices urging me to veer off course–rationalizing the detours by telling myself that they were important or that it was “just this once.”
• I learned (the hard way) that giving in to the little voices merely strengthened them, until eventually they were calling the shots, running the show, and “driving the car.”
• And, saddest of all, I never did reach my intended destination.

Sound familiar?

Get in touch with your inner adult.

I know that it’s important to express your inner child–to play, to create, to explore, and to be spontaneous. I also know that there’s a fine line between between spontaneity and A.D.D.

Left unchecked, those little chatty, demanding voices in your head can lead you away from the plans that are vitally important to you, the goals that give your life beauty and help you fulfill your higher purpose. And it’s simply impossible to reach your goals if you follow every little impulse, whim, or flight of fancy that might cross your mind.

(Joni Mitchell has a great song about a black crow who’s always “diving down to pick up on every shiny thing.” I’m sure that, like the singer, we all feel like that flighty bird from time to time.)

Yes, it is natural to have thoughts, desires, and urges to veer off course–to pursue shiny, alluring possibilities. And yes, some detours might actually turn out to be valuable and worthwhile. But here’s the key:

YOU have to stay in the driver’s seat!

Just like letting six-year-olds drive your car, leaving your destiny in the hands of momentary whims can be disasterous and even tragic. Even if you don’t have a wreck, it’s very unlikely that you’ll reach your destination.

So, the next time you’re on course, moving confidently in the direction of your dreams, beware of those little voices that pop up and say things like:

• Maybe I should check my email (and/or Facebook and/or Twitter and/or Yankees.com, etc.) again.
• I feel like a snack.
• I wonder what’s on TV.
• …(insert your distraction of choice).

Sure, it’s fine to check your email or watch TV, and we all need to eat (plus, you know what they say about “all work and no play”). But before you take a detour, ask yourself who’s in the driver’s seat.

So, when those inner six-year-olds start making demands, you have two options: either give in to their every whim, or simply tell them, “Thank you for your input. I hear you, and I’ll consider what you have to say. But I’m the adult here, and I will decide what to do and what not to do.” In other words:

Listen to your inner children, but let your inner adult do the driving.

…

How do your inner six-year-olds show up in your life? How do you prevent them from “taking the wheel”? I’d love to hear from you–please feel free to leave a comment!

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(WARNING: Extreme sappiness ahead…)

Jodi and I just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary, and we’re more in love than ever! But no matter how much our love grows and deepens, our wedding day will always be one of the most special days of our lives.

We spent over a year planning it, making sure that every detail represented us and our love–from the setting (a mountaintop outside of our house in Jemez Pueblo, NM) to our wedding “cake” (actually a pie, which we prefer) and of course the song playing while we walked down the aisle: “Never Saw Blue Like That” by Shawn Colvin.

Besides being a beautiful song musically, the lyrics fit perfectly: describing the feeling of falling in love and how it makes the whole world come alive and shine more brightly, and how it feels like coming home–exactly how I feel about Jodi!

While I love all of the song’s lyrics, I think my favorite lines are:

“And even now, I’m so amazed
It’s like a dream, it’s like a rainbow,
It’s like the rain.”

I especially love the words, “It’s like the rain.”

Pretty much everyone recognizes that dreams and rainbows are special–magical, fleeting, elusive flashes of beauty. But so often we take for granted the everyday miracles, such as rain.

But if you take even a moment to contemplate this amazing phenomenon, you’ll see that it’s nothing short of miraculous: Rain falls from the sky, nurturing plants and all living things, providing drinking water that we require (since most of our body is water)–and then it becomes invisible, gets cleansed, and floats back into the sky where it forms beautiful clouds. And then the cycle begins again.

Talk about a mind-boggling miracle!

Yet, perhaps because it’s an everyday “mundane” occurance, we often fail to see the magic in something as common as rain.

How often do you take time to appreciate everyday miracles in your life?

Aside from rain, what are other everyday miracles in your life?

• Other natural phenomena, such as the rising and setting of the sun.
• The miracle of your body–with all of its complex physical functions, intellectual capacity, and emotional sensitivity.
• Love and friendship.
• Life itself.

Just because these (and so many other everyday miracles) aren’t rare doesn’t make them any less valuable, precious, and worthy of appreciation.

Rainbows and Rain

Yes, it’s very nice to have “rainbows”–those special moments of rare, fleeting beauty: weddings, anniversaries, major life accomplishments, and other significant moments of celebration.

But what makes up most of life–and makes it so special–is the “rain,” the everyday miracles: a hug, a conversation that helps you feel understood and supported, a sunset, the very act of breathing in and out, giving love and feeling loved in return.

I know that, thanks to the wonderful woman who shares my life, I will never stop appreciating these everyday miracles…every day.

…

What are some of your favorite everyday miracles? How do you appreciate them? Maybe your comment will help others to appreciate the everyday miracles in their lives as well!

P.S. Don’t we have a beautiful flower girl (our “dog-ter” Xena)?

I recently heard a powerful, thought-provoking question:

What if Martin Luther King had given his “I Have a Dream” speech to an empty room?

The question (posed by blogger Jon Morrow) was asked rhetorically, but the literal answer is: Nothing would have happened!

Certainly, the following things would not have happened if King had spoken to an empty room:

• His speech would not have been a pivotal moment in the civil rights movement.
• It would not have helped increase the amount of equality, dignity, and understanding in the country (and beyond).
• It would not have changed the world.
• And we certainly would not still be talking about it today, over half a century later.

The point here is pretty clear:

If you don’t share your message with the world, it won’t do the world a bit of good!

Jon’s question made me realize that not sharing your gifts is the equivalent of not having any gifts at all! It also sent my brain spiraling into a string of variations and spin-off questions, starting with:

What if King had given his speech in front of a small group of friends?

I imagined Dr. King standing in his living room, expounding on his dream to his friends and family. Yes, they might have felt inspired. They might have told him how much they agreed with him. They might have wondered why he was using his “outside” voice in the living room.

But again, this scenario would have had little to no impact on the world at large—certainly not even a tiny fraction of the impact that King’s words actually had when they were spoken to over 200,000 people (and subsequently heard by millions).

I also couldn’t help but think of different “what-if” examples:

• What if Gandhi never shared his dream of peace and freedom?
• What if Shakespeare had never shown Hamlet to anyone?
• What if Steve Jobs had kept his ideas to himself?
• What if Picasso had locked his paintings in a trunk or destroyed them before anyone else could see them?
• What if Bob Dylan only played his songs for himself, never recording or performing in public?
• (Insert your own what-if examples…)

As I considered these and other possibilities, the really horrible realization dawned on me:

All of this (and worse) IS happening right now!

Or “isn’t happening,” I should say.

Undoubtedly, at this very moment there are geniuses and visionaries all around the world who, for one reason or another, are not sharing their gifts, talents, and messages. Just imagine the countless ways in which the world is being deprived:

• We’re deprived of inventions that could create clean energy, help feed the hungry, and improve the quality of life for millions…all because an otherwise brilliant inventor did not share their ideas.
• We’re deprived of great art that could touch millions of hearts…all because a creative genius was too scared to share their creations.
• We’re deprived of inspiring messages that could uplift humanity and fill millions of people with hope…all because someone didn’t take the necessary steps to get their words out of their head and into the world.

Why don’t people share their gifts and messages?

Maybe some people don’t want to be seen as promoting themselves or “tooting their own horn.” Maybe they were taught to be modest, to play it safe, to play it small. Maybe they believe that seeking publicity is arrogant and egotistical. Maybe they just think that marketing is beneath them or that it’s not “pure” or “spiritual” or (and don’t discount this one)…“cool”!

Think this doesn’t apply to you?

Maybe you feel like you don’t have an “I Have a Dream” speech within you. To this I say two things:

1. You’re right! You don’t! You have something new and different! (The world’s already heard that speech. Now we’re ready for yours!)
2. It doesn’t matter! Even if your gift and your message isn’t destined to alter the course of human history, it can still positively affect hundreds, thousands, or perhaps even millions. Why deprive those people of the positive impact you might have on their lives? (And who knows what kind of ripple effect even an initially small impact might have over time?)

As John Lennon said:

“A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.”

When you don’t share a dream (or a gift, a talent, or a message) it dies with you. When you do share it, it takes on a life of its own and lives forever.

By sharing his dream, Martin Luther King (like John Lennon and countless others) made his dream a reality.

I hope you’ll do the same.

…
What are your dreams, messages, or gifts? How can you share them with more people? What would the world lose if you didn’t…and what would we gain if you did?

P.S. Thanks again to Jon Morrow for ispiring this post! If you don’t know Jon, he’s a giant in the blogging world and a truly inspirational individual with an amazing personal story. Also, thanks to the phenomenal Mary Jaksch.

P.P.S. The dream lives on…